Holding the Reins: Confronting Your Fears
in Love!
My day starts at 5:30 in the morning, with a new appointment. By now, I stay in bed talking with my therapist, with Monroe next to me, my kitten I adopted here in Nashville.
Do you remember my list? Today, we’re talking about fears in love. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has them.
On my list are points like:
Vulnerability – fear of exposing my emotions, it makes me feel “weak.”
Change – not recognizing the person you have beside you anymore.
Trust – how can you trust?
Fear of routine – habit, flatness, taking everything for granted. No more commitment in the relationship.
We discussed many examples: my current dating situation, but also my previous (and only) serious relationship: two years of living together. Yes, to be included on the resume! AHAH.
Today, as always, I learned a lot. I opened my eyes to truths I had never really faced before.
Let’s take a step back: the guy I mentioned in my previous post removed me from his Netflix account (fortunately $7.50 a month, I can afford it) and unfollowed me on Instagram… OMG.
And here’s a moment of silence to listen to the sound of the nice fall he took in my evaluation of him as a person.
At this point, a question immediately came to my magical therapist:
“Is it possible that such an intelligent, professional, kind, reliable, original, and talented guy… does these things?”
Absolutely yes. Because all those qualities don’t involve emotional intelligence.
And here a light bulb went on, and the hamster started running in its wheel.
You should know that emotions have nothing to do with professionalism or character. Feeling emotions is another sphere. You can be the most prepared person in the world, but immature and ineffective when it comes to feelings.
I realize that I’ve never really understood a person completely. Just because someone is capable doesn’t mean they know how to handle their emotions. So I ask myself: until now, after meeting someone, have I really been able to recognize who was in front of me?
I realize I’ve always been looking in the wrong direction. I considered work, hobbies, external traits… but never emotional depth. I always took this aspect for granted, never asked or observed someone’s emotions, never listened to them, just like I never listened to my own. I’ve always underestimated an aspect that is actually the most important.
Emotions are essential; they color our lives with light or darkness. This, for me, is a huge discovery.
And I really never understood myself on this journey: two sides of the same coin. Being determined, hyper-independent, ready to never give up… doesn’t make me emotionally developed. On the contrary, that’s exactly why I’m here.
And after this insight, let’s talk about another discovery from this unfiltered blonde “sapiens sapiens” that I want to call:
THE REINS OF THE HORSE
I’ve tackled the topic of routine, or rather: I’ve always feared not recognizing the person beside me anymore, that they themselves or their feelings might change, and not understanding whether things between us are going well or not… It may sound silly, but I really struggle with this, because I’ve always lived on a roller coaster. For this reason, I always need someone to give me a “check.”
And here my therapist immediately stopped me, saying that it’s not true that I can’t understand, because you already feel inside if something is changing.
At this point, she gave me a beautiful example:
Have you ever done horseback riding? I have, for three years… but let’s continue.
If your horse gets scared because it sees a leaf on the ground or hears a noise, what do you do if you know it very well?
You hold the reins, you pull them, you reassure it and comfort it. You know it because it’s your horse, so you FACE THE SITUATION.
You don’t run away. You don’t give up. You don’t lose control.
And this is courage and maturity.
If something is changing, you notice it, you talk about it, you comfort each other, but you don’t run away.
And I’m not very good at this; I don’t face things until they go rotten.
But the opposite is also true: you also need to know when to say no.
We learn to say no when things don’t align with our own values.
We learn that you can care about someone even if they can’t be by your side.
We learn to listen to the warning signs before losing our minds, like I did, who despite everything being clear, ended up exhausted.
Because I, many times, always wished that flower would bloom… actually, that it would bloom in general for me, because I wanted it so much. But you can’t keep watering something that’s been dead for a long time, just for the sweet memory.
You have to know how to wait and understand your own timing and that of others. Because love — like friendship, like any relationship — is a journey to be taken together.
GUARD ALWAYS UP
I’ll also say that keeping your guard up all the time isn’t always true.
You can’t always be on alert.
And for someone like me, who never lowers their guard because their trust was betrayed from a young age… it’s normal to struggle to believe again. But sooner or later, you have to, to hit and to be hit. Sometimes you also need to take that punch that makes you feel alive, for better or worse.
Maybe true strength isn’t staying rigid.
It’s consciously choosing to trust, despite everything, it’s choosing to feel alive.
How do I want my relationship? my therapist asks…
Here’s the real question.
How do I want it? Honestly, all I want is that values are present like they used to be. People willing, once chosen, to fight to be together and make the relationship work, with real values, the ones that are hard to find in this world full of superficiality, where if something goes wrong, people just move on to another.
There are so many people in the world, yes, but it’s still not understood that love is choosing each other, it’s an agreement, it’s commitment, it’s presence.
And now the next task is this:
What have I done wrong in my relationships, or what am I doing wrong?
Because yes, it’s easy to look at others.
But growing up means looking inside yourself!
Let me know in the comments under my Italian version at least one of your “flaws”!
PS: thanks to everyone who took a moment to read me, and see you next time!
The blonde unfiltered